where is my self actualization lie really

The title says it all. Its a question thati failed to answer all these years, but still i search, even thrieve for it

crap, I did it again

Procrastinating at higher level, that is. I knew that I had the seed. but I don't know that I can raise it this bad. As I was stated before, I am 23 y o. so yes, I should be in the brim of productivity and such, bloom at it's finest.... 

then here I am, in the faaaar east of my own country, fighting for I don't know what since I don't hold great compassion or profession such as teacher or nurse or even doctor; or something cool as police or SS or army noo. I'm just a humble civil servant work for non-departement institution, 

Best Regards,

huh, I know that it's risky to use my regular alias here, the blog I possibly wanna pour all my heart in to,  consider that I set this blog public and all.

Naw, everything does  not matter, consider that I' m not that secretive kinda person in the first place, I'm not that popular kinda person too, nothing too out of place in everything I'll write here, and there are absolutely tons of another blog out there, not to mention that blogger was kinda left out since there are tons of much simple social media or mini-blog client


so I will clearly state that this is the place I lay everything on the table. I need this not for people to see (though it must be nice to know some stranger find their way here, which is nearly impossible) but for me to know how much I've change, to sort out my own emotion and to give some piece of mind to the future me.

Yes, I still don't know myself clearly despite I've been lived for 23 years by now. I still can't figure out my passion and such, but well, I'm pretty grateful with my own life.

I say grateful, but I often haunted by my bad choice in my past, and my present idiocy that always put me in what if situation. But I have to be grateful! I'm pretty cultured and loved!

Hai masa kini

kamu harus ingat untuk selalu berencana dan melakukan apa yag kamu rencanakan
karena kesadaran kekinian adalah hal yang fickle, dan kamu nggak biasa melakukan hal spontan

lakukan saat itu juga
jangan malu, jangan takut, tetap konsultasi dan report, nyebelin di awal masih mending daripada nggak bisa di akhir

kamu bisa mengubah impresimu terhadap lingkungan sekitarmu, kamu bisa.

walaupun dilanda ketakutan dan depresi, just do it karena kamu nggak bisa kabur, kamu harus tetap mengembangkan skill dan wit demi masa depan yang lebih santai

lakukan hari ini
perbaiki masalah masa lalu
songsog masa depan yang lebih santai


dan hold everything precious to you, your family  will never be the same forever, jadi ketika kamu ada bersama mereka, kamu harus selalu fokus untuk membuat memori danmomen yang indah, semakin mengikatkan pertalian kuat, demi kenyamanan di masa depan dimana pridemu mugkin akan semakin menghalangimu

,pekerjaan

aku masih juga menunda- nunda dan nggak profesional
penundaan ini menyesakkan dan bikin despo
dan masih juga belum berakhir
ya Allah, kuatkan hatiku

I once said that I'm not a fujoshi?


ohmy~ my past I'm so sorry~ now I'm full-time fujoshi